Sibling Rivalry

If you have two toddlers or two slightly older children with a small age difference, it is very common to find arguments and jealousy between them. Most parents refer to this as sibling rivalry.In reality, the problem most siblings face is not rivalry. It is more appropriate to name such issues between children as sibling conflicts. It is difficult to train your child to avoid such conflicts as a toddler. However, you must start doing this from his early toddler days. This is an important step in grooming him towards avoiding unnecessary fights and jealousies as he grows older.

There is no way you can completely eliminate sibling conflicts. If you do not want a sibling conflict to arise, the only way you can avoid it is by having just one child.

Ways to handle sibling conflicts

• If you are expecting the arrival of a new born at home, prepare the older child for it. Tell him that he is now big and he will play a major role in looking after the baby. Assure him that you will still love him as much as before the baby arrived. Ask your partner also to give the older toddler lots of attention. For example when the father returns from work, he can play with the older sibling for a while before going to check on the baby.
• Sometimes, conflicts occur because one sibling gets his way more often. This causes resentfulness in the other sibling and arguments begin. Teach your child to respect others' feelings and consider the sibling's points of view. This will help him learn the art of compromising and empathy.
• Always allow a child to do tasks that he can do for himself on his own. Do not allow others to do it for him.
• Encourage your child to share his toys with his siblings. Avoid calling him "selfish" and set yourself as an example. If he refuses to share, tell him that he must take turns in giving his toys for the sibling to play with them.
• Never make comparisons between siblings. This can develop a sense of hatred between the siblings.
• Assign equal responsibilities to your children. If one of them is laying out the mats for dinner, the other can arrange the plates on the dining table.
• Remember to avoid showing love or preference towards one child alone. Avoiding this partiality, can foster a healthy relationship between siblings.
• If friends and/or relatives visiting to see the new arrival comment on how lovely the baby is, hug the older kid and smile at her. Say that you are lucky to be blessed with two lovely kids.
• Respect the needs of each child and consider them as separate individuals. Spend some time individually with the siblings.
• Give the elder sibling some simple chores that he can do to look after the baby. This makes him feel very responsible and avoids the "left out" feeling from creeping inside him.
• Do not encourage one child to spread tell-tales about his sibling.
• Never blame only one child for the conflict. A conflict between two siblings means that both of them are equally responsible for the conflict.
• Make one day of the week special for each child. For example, you can allow one child to take decisions such as the day's menu, the story book to be read etc. on a Monday. The other child can be given allowed to do the same on a different day of the week.
• To decide which child should be the first to perform an activity, play the stone game. The child who guesses the right palm in which the stone is hidden gets the chance.
• If your children appear to be fighting because of boredom, find new activities to keep them occupied.
• Distract the children by calling over to one of them to help you with some of your chores. Remember to call the other child the next time.
• Plan family activities that involve participation of the whole family. Some examples of this can be a weekend outing or playing games together. Lack of parental attention increases chances of sibling rivalry.
• Encourage the children to protect their siblings when they enter into an argument with their friends or other family members.
• Set yourself as an example by behaving properly with your partner and siblings.

If you follow the above guidelines, you can minimise the tension and stress due to sibling rivalry in the house. As a general rule, encourage siblings to resolve their conflicts among themselves. This may take time but it will eventually be worth it. However if the conflicts appear to become worse rather than subsiding, step in and help them to arrive at a solution. Separate them for a few minutes and allow them to think of their actions.