Turning Grannies into Nannies
The signs
I spotted the clothesline from the street, hanging between two makeshift pillars on the lawn. Bright cotton saris and spotless white dhotis swayed in the breeze, soaking up the July sun. As I pulled into my friend Meera's driveway that evening, I caught a whiff of masala vadai and sautéed onions. A small, delicately drawn kolam welcomed me at the doorstep. There was no question - Meera's parents had arrived to helpa her with her delivery and post delivery baby care.
Baby is coming!
Meera was due in a month. She and her husband, Raghav had already picked out the baby's room, painted it, bought baby furniture, clothes and other essentials. Her hospital suitcase was packed and sitting in the foyer, ready for its momentous trip. All Meera and her hubby had been waiting for was the arrival of her mom aka unofficial housekeeper, cook and nanny for the next few months. With aunty and uncle arriving over the weekend, the meticulous couple had probably struck off all the 276 items on their 'To-do before Baby arrives' list.
Aunty greeted me with a warm hug and a plate of steaming masala vadais. Meera, still in her work clothes, was sitting on the couch, her feet plopped up on the coffee table, pouring over What to Expect When You're Expecting, sinking her teeth into crispy vadais. Her mom whirled about the kitchen cutting vegetables, preparing dinner and yummilicious snacks. Meera had this serene, soon-to-be-new-mom-with-not-a-care-in-the-world look. After all, her parents had arrived.
The scene wasn't new to me. I had seen enough Indian couples and new parents in the recent past to know the routine. It was almost the same in every house.
Post retirement responsibilities kick in
For the next several months, Meera's mom and dad would relieve Meera and her husband of almost all their household duties. Pampered is too mild a word. Try spoilt rotten. Aunty would take over the kitchen, preparing meals, packing lunch, doing the laundry, keeping the house tidy and putting her grandson to sleep as her daughter, the new mom, caught a few winks. Meera's dad, who probably hadn't lifted a finger around his house all these years, would be in charge of loading the dishwasher, getting the mails every morning, maintaining the garage and backyard and entertaining his grandson whenever his services were beckoned.
Of course, Meera's mom would double as in-house home-remedy expert or story teller as and when the need arose, retrieving strange looking herbs and seeds from her suitcase for diaper rash, colic, sniffles and every other ailment imaginable or lulling him to sleep with traditional Tamil lullabies. Uncle would serve as handyman and chief advisor, making minor repairs around the house and giving out car maintenance tips to his son-in-law. Six weeks after delivery, Meera would go back to work and her parents would take over full-time child care. From changing diapers to introducing solids - most of the baby's needs would be met by his grandparents for the first few months of his life. Sure, mom and dad would come home and take over the night shift. Which isn't an easy task in itself - but, the fact is, that for most of his waking, active hours, the baby would be in the care and company of his doting grandparents.
This all seems so natural and normal to us that sometimes, we don't stop to think that this probably happens in very few cultures. Where else do parents drop all their priorities at the drop of a hat( or the words 'daughter' 'pregnant') and rush to her side to pamper her during her pregnancy and her child thereafter? Where else will a father, on the verge of retirement, approach his supervisor requesting for 6 months' leave so he can travel to the US to welcome his grandchild? Where else can we be so confident in our parents' eagerness to help us that we don't spare a second thought before sending them the Visa invitation letter.
We just know that our parents will do anything for us - financially, physically, emotionally - without batting an eyelid.
To some of our non-Indian friends and neighbors at least, this simple fact we take for granted comes as a shock. "Your mom is going to stay here for 6 months just to help you? Really? Wow! Mine wouldn't stay a day longer than 2 weeks. And that after I begged her to stay."
"We asked my wife's mom if she could be here when the baby was born, but she had already made plans to go to Vegas with her friends."
"My parents had been saving up for a cross-country trip and so they won't be here when baby comes."
Talking to these people made me feel even more grateful to my parents and appreciative of all that they do for me. It made me even prouder of the family traditions we hold on to, albeit, reluctantly at times.
But it also got me thinking about my parents. Why was I so happy that my parents’ lives revolved around mine? Selfish, wouldn’t you say?
In this whole 'they're happy to see us happy' business, I wonder, what are we doing to our parents?
Sure, they may really and wholeheartedly want to come and help us deal with this life changing event. They may actually want to spend time with their grandchildren and maybe they don't mind changing diapers and doing baby laundry. Yes, they do it all out of love for us and our children. Unconditionally, too.But in the process aren't we depriving our parents of their retirement?
What about their dream vacation? Or the restful, relaxing retirement they may have imagined? Or maybe the all-India temple tour they wanted to go on? Or the house renovation projects they put on hold to be here with us? Or the hobbies or social work they have always wanted to pursue? After spending most of their lives squishing their dreams and ambitions 'for the sake of children’, will they also spend their retirement finding joy in their children and children's children, instead of in their own dreams?
This arrangement of grandparents traveling abroad to care for their grandchildren may seem like a win-win for everyone. Infants get personalized care and attention in the safety of their own homes instead of a daycare, mom gets to go back to work and further her career, grandparents get to spend time with their grandchildren. Yet, somewhere, somehow, the equation seems lopsided. It's as if we get to move on with our lives as new parents, like nothing changed.
But in reality, we enjoy that luxury only because, yet again, our parents have come to our rescue long after we cease to be their responsibility - because in our culture, grannies joyfully take on the role of nannies, even when their energy levels or health conditions don’t match their enthusiasm.
What do you think?
About the Author
Rupa Raman is a freelance writer and full time mom trying to figure out how to raise a compassionate kid in a competitive world. When she's not writing, she's probably reading picture books, playing hide and seek or enjoying ridiculously silly activities with her daughter, M. Read her blog at http://babylovesbooks.com.